A new way of looking at this…

It came to me last night (In a dream of all things) that I have been looking at things wrong. When L died, I did not lose my identity–I am in fact more ‘me’ than before. What I lost (and struggle daily to find) is my place in this world. When L was alive I knew that place–it was quite simply wherever we were together. Now that he is not here, I realize that I keep trying to understand where I belong. It could explain the lifestyle changes I’ve made in the last three years. It could also explain the expanded and surprising sense of ‘self’ that has come with events such as attending my college reunion and establishing new relationships in the places I now call ‘home.’ It definitely gives meaning to my restlessness–the constant need to fill the hours with some activity. The truth is that I know who I am — with or without L. He just made it easier for me to operate in the world as that being. Now that I am alone–and in some ways more exposed–it is far more difficult. But I press on.


3 thoughts on “A new way of looking at this…

  1. Thank you for your postings. I lost my husband 18 months ago at the age of 67. Bud and I were high school sweethearts. I hate waking up every morning. I have a large wonderful family with lots of support but your writings express my feelings. Thank you, again.Irene

    Date: Thu, 30 Jul 2015 01:43:41 +0000 To: ibinyon17@hotmail.com

    1. Irene, My heart is with you. I have found that when I wake each morning if I spend just a moment ‘talking’ to L about the day ahead, I get off to a better start. Also I often do that at night when I am sometimes surprised to realize I have had a good day. Take care and remember he is still there–just not in the way you would want. Anna

  2. very, very helpful and soothing contribution which makes us see that there is always a step forward and a chance that we can even alone manage our life.

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