Sometimes I Think I Might Be Just Fooling Myself…

Most days I go along with a full schedule and see a calendar with lots of future events and appointments, but every once in awhile in the midst of what appears to me–and others–to be an incredibly busy and satisfying life (sans the presence of L everyone is quick to add) I find myself wondering if this isn’t just some role I’m playing. I have a masters in Theater and am not a bad actress–life has given me plenty of opportunities to rehearse. Is this all just another performance staged for the comfort and benefit of friends and family? I often brush aside compliments about how amazingly well I have handled life without L by saying that I honor his memory by living the full life he wanted for me…and that is in fact true. It is what gets me up in the morning and it’s what keeps me from saying “no” as often as I would usually want to. But there is a part of me that doesn’t truly buy into that.

Recently I was on an airplane on my way to a writer’s conference. I had a good deal to be excited about–a new book deal with a publisher I have been trying to connect with for years, a chance to meet in person with my agent who has also become a dear friend, a chance to visit a city I’ve heard good things about but never visited before. LOTS of good stuff. And yet on that plane ride out of the blue I found myself wondering, “So what?” It is those times that are the worst–those times that creep up on me in silence and then explode across my mind. It is those times that I have no answer for what meaning life has without L in it. It is those times that I know that friends and family and success in my chosen career and meeting new people and having new adventures are my way of putting one foot in front of the other day in and night out.

I am a little over two years into this now and I will proudly and readily admit that I have made incredible positive strides forward in all facets of my life but the bottom line is that I still can’t believe he’s not coming through the door or waiting for my call to hear all about my adventures when I travel or whipping up a batch of his infamous salmon patties to serve me a proper dinner when I get home.  When I started this blog I was determined to be completely honest–the good, the bad, the ugly–because it’s all part of the process and my guess is that allowing myself to feel the bad and the ugly is every bit as important in making my way through this as celebrating the good is. So (as my former agent used to say) “Onward!” And as L always said, “It is what it is” and so I go with that.


8 thoughts on “Sometimes I Think I Might Be Just Fooling Myself…

  1. Thank you so much for your articles. It’s been just about 14 months since I lost the love of my life. Really he was my life. We had/have a wonderful family and we all support each other, but we all are still hurting so much. Bud and I were high school sweethearts and we had 48 years of married life. His life was cut short to early and so quick. No time for any of us to prepare, if you can do that. I have tried everything but the hurt is so intense. Your articles help me to see that I’m not alone in my feelings. No matter how much I try to understand, I don’t see why we are told to love and then have it jerked from us. What is the point? (Thanks, I’m venting.) I will get out and I do. My family is precious and there are a lot of grand babies that need me, but like you, it’s the little things that are the things I miss the most.

  2. Oh, you know me so well! It will be two years in September for me. You have expressed pretty much where I am in my life right now. Even have the same template ha ha! Seems like we may be kindred spirits. Thank you so much for letting me see that where I am is right where Is should be. Oh and I too expect him to appear and put in a comment here and there! I’m not sure this will ever go away. I hope not actually.
    Anyway, thanks 🙂

    1. Deborah, Sorry to be so long responding. Thank you for your note and yes, it is quite a journey we are on. Tonight a friend of a friend of a friend who has been following the blog is coming to meet me. It will be interesting to sit down face to face with someone who truly understands–an all-too-rare event in our lives!! Stay well and all best, Anna

  3. Thank you so much for this. I was widowed 4 months ago, and while I certainly don’t have any answers, it’s good to know that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do.

    1. Ann, First of all I am so sorry for your loss and well remember those early months. Take care of yourself and don’t allow anyone else to set a “timeline” for your grief. As I have mentioned in posts before I honor L’s memory by trying my best to live the life I know he wanted me to have–wanted us to have together. That alone has gotten me through a lot. All my best to you…Anna

    2. It’s been seven months. The evenings are l o n g. I cry easily whereas before I never cried. I feel very alone. One daughter relationship is very strained to put it mildly and I miss her and her family. If it weren’t for the real continuous friendship of three friends, I don’t know where I’d be.

      1. Judy, You are still so close to this terrible loss in your life–my heart goes out to you. I can only tell you what helped me. Although L and I had/have a community of dear close friends I found myself resisting confiding openly to them as the months went by. Thankfully I had someone in my life who had served as a counselor during the years of L’s illness. With this person I knew I could be completely open about my feelings–even the ones that seemed to me to be ‘ugly’ or ‘negative.’ If you have a pastor or perhaps a support group grief counselor that you can speak with that might help–especially when it comes to ways you might repair the distance between you and your daughter. Also I have found the only way to fight the loneliness is to fill the hours so I have signed up for some evening activities (since that is the worst time) that get me out with other people–even the company of strangers can be company. These include volunteer efforts and adult education classes–helping others and learning something new I find takes my mind off my grief at least for a few hours. Again, this is what I have found helpful–each journey is different. I hope it helps some to know you are not alone on this road. Take care. Anna

      2. Dear Irene, Know that when you share your pain and thoughts, you are helping others who come to this blog to find comfort. The one thing that has kept me going these three years is trying to live the life I know L wanted for me–and the life we hoped to share together. I did have time for the goodbye, but that in itself is a mixed blessing. You are in the infancy of this journey and those are indeed difficult days. I get through them by my firm belief that L walks with me. I talk to him, I look for things that brought us pleasure and I smile, and yes, I cry because feeling his presence is not the same as feeling him here, but it is what I have. Take care of yourself and stop by any time. Anna

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