How can this be?

Two years? Feels more like two months. Feels more like yesterday.

As I write this dawn is breaking over Lake Michigan. It rained overnight so the skies are gray and there will be no pink/orange line of light on the horizon as the sun comes up–just a gradual coming of light and morning. The first day of year three on my journey.

Given the fairly massive changes I have made in my life over the last two years I have to accept that indeed time has passed. Those changes–selling our house, buying a condo in Florida and renting an apartment in downtown Milwaukee that overlooks the exact spot on Lake Michigan where L liked to walk and sit to watch sailboats and such–have left me feeling both unsettled and incredibly at peace with the life I am crafting without him. For example the place I own in Florida still feels like a rental–someone else’s place while this apartment where I had spent only a few days before leaving for Florida felt instantly like “home” the minute I walked in a couple of weeks ago. I have realized that it is because here I am surrounded by so much that L and I shared–furnishings, art, even the dishes in the kitchen cabinets. He was never a part of the things I have furnished the Florida place with. In so many ways the two “homes” represent the two parts of my life–a past I treasure and cherish and an uncertain future.

And so I move forward determined to honor L’s life by living mine to the fullest–open to new adventures even as I find comfort and even laughter in our shared past. He is not here physically and yet I feel his spirit walking beside me wherever I go–and that, dear friends of this blog–is something to embrace and celebrate.


2 thoughts on “How can this be?

  1. Hearing about you taking steps helps me to see that there are some possibilities. Yesterday B would have celebrated his 80th. this fall I will be celebrating my 60th both without him. I can’t seem to even get into a book of grieving but blogs feel different. I know mine helps me like my journals fall short. who knows. Keep Posting 🙂

    1. I have a dear friend who has been and continues to endure some incredibly challenging times in her life. At the moment she is dealing with her critically ill adult son. Her mantra is “Keep on peddling” and that along with my beloved L’s “It is what it is” have gotten me through more than one bad hour, day, week. I also believe that my determination to live the life I know L wanted for me (and was so worried I would not grab hold of and live) with joy and passion also gets me out of bed most mornings. More than once I have caught myself saying out loud as I awoke, “Okay, my honey, let’s get this party started.” That said you are entitled to the occasional “pity party” just don’t let it carry on too long. Take care!!! Anna

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