First post of a new year. The start of a new year is always a time for reflection regardless of your age or current life situation. I am certainly no different and frankly 2013 was a whirlwind of a year!
I completely changed my living arrangements in two moves that a few years ago I would not have imagined I was capable of handling. I bought a property on my own…and I sold another property on my own. Such massive decisions and changes were things I always relief upon L to handle. Oh, I might be the driving force urging the change and I might pick out the place BUT when it came to the business end of the matter, that was L’s expertise. This year it was mine. No doubt L would have been more thoughtful and cautious–he always was the voice of calm and reason. But the truth is now that I am back in Florida in the place I bought shortly before leaving Florida last spring, I am satisfied that I made the right decision and I have a strong sense that L also approves.
It took several weeks for me to adjust to the idea that this place is mine (and not the rental we shared for eight years). It took lots of moving of the furniture (inherited from the former owners) and eventually the sale of some pieces in favor of pieces that were more “me”. But this Sunday I will officially open this house to friends and family in celebration of this new piece of my life without L.
In thinking about this last year I understand that I have made some enormous changes, but I have also made some smaller (and perhaps more significant) changes. I find that I talk to L a lot and feel his presence (and his absence) more strongly than I did in year one. I have moments where I am hit broadside by the loneliness of his absence. I have times when I am in a room filled with the laughter and love of dear friends that this loneliness washes over me like a wave. It is these little moments that seem insurmountable, most challenging and far more significant than buying or selling a house could ever be.
When I first got down here last November and began the truly fun part of “playing house”–decorating and fixing things to my style, etc.–I was so very restless. I could not seem to be still for a moment much less a couple of hours. Something as simple as sitting down to read the newspaper (yes, I still read a physical newspaper) was impossible. I paced and roamed and leapt from task to task, sometimes making up the need to do something just to be able to leave whatever I had been working on.
This restlessness has not entirely abated but it has lessened over the last couple of weeks. And when it does come back I calm myself by knowing that: L is always with me and that I will make a life without him–one that he would not only applaud but give a standing ovation.