As I had expected once the hustle and bustle of handling details — financial, home maintenance, plans for immediate events–lessened, the reality that L is not here and will not be here is beginning to settle over me like a dense fog. A contributing factor is that from the time I was eight or nine the season of October-November has depressed me so that doesn’t exactly bode well for slogging through these days in a normal year. This year is, of course, anything but normal. So I wrestle with the usual sadness and despair that comes with the season even as it is finally beginning to sink in that L is truly irrevocably gone. Yes, his spirit is with me but that is not at all the same. I can’t curl into the side of his spirit the way I used to; I can’t discuss frustrations with all the details that come with handling the house maintenance–workers not calling back, not showing up, etc.; I can’t go through the financial stuff to be sure I am doing it right.
Yes, there are others in my life I could turn to but it’s not the same–they have their way and it’s not L’s way–or for that matter my way. So tough times right now–I know this too shall pass but that small comfort. The truth is that I feel like I am simply moving through the hours– continuing to accept the invitations and attend the various functions and tell myself how blessed I am to have so many who care–and I know that things could be ever so much worse for me. L used to use that argument whenever I started to whine and feel sorry for myself–and I would fire back that we were not talking about “other people” and their problems–we were talking about me and what was going on in my head. Guilting me out of it never worked–and it doesn’t work now although I’ll admit that I am deeply ashamed of myself for not focusing on what is rather than what isn’t.
No real conclusion to this post…just rambling…feeling sorry for myself…and missing L more than ever.