…others who are past that landmark tell me year two is worse. [Sigh.] Already three months feels like thirty years. How will I manage six months? Six years? I promised myself that I would not stalk anniversaries (1/4; 1/2; etc.) but hard to avoid when friends remind me. Oh, it’s all in the best sense of caring and concern but still it brings on some heavy-duty and often crushing loneliness. I have to wonder how people not as blessed as I am to be surrounded by a network of friends that goes back decades get through a single day much less weeks and months and years. My heart goes out to them.

Activities that keep me moving forward (and give me reason to get up in the mornings)…deadlines for my writing. I do find solace in the work, not to mention some escape. Moving furniture and rearranging my surroundings–yesterday I spent four hours switching the living room furniture with the furniture in the family room–has always been a way that I get through tough times. L used to tease me that he would never dare come home in the dark because he never knew if the sofa would be where the kitchen table used to be or vice versa. Watching the shows we enjoyed together–last night I settled in for the finale of THE CLOSER–L absolutely LOVED Brenda Leigh! I hope he was watching!! Amazingly the one thing I don’t do is eat. I used to salve any wound with food–especially sugary foods: ice cream, chocolate anything. Now, not so much. I guess that’s a good thing–on the other hand I just cleaned the fridge today and now there is hardly anything in there.

The hardest part of this journey is not having L to talk to–about serious or silly things, about things that would drive him nuts, about things that made him smile, about things that I really do not want to talk to anyone else about–no matter how dear a friend they might be. I guess in some ways I put that backwards because I do talk to him–aloud–all the time. The problem is he doesn’t answer. He was always a quiet man, a man of few words, but how I long to just hear his laugh, see him nod his head, see his frown of disapproval–I would take anything!!!

Okay beginning to whine and wallow so outside the window where I have moved my desk I see a spray of roses just asking to be cut and brought inside for my desk so thanks for stopping by and please check back later.


4 thoughts on “8/14/12: 1/4 WAY THROUGH YEAR ONE, BUT…

  1. Dear Anna,
    My husband died August 6, 2012 – I have a supportive community – but the loneliness ahead looks crushing, at times. I have a spiritual focus in life, so I feel my best hope (besides family and friends) is to deepen my spiritual life…But even that looks daunting. It feels like I would have to grow so much , and quickly to salve this ache in my heart.

    1. Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you. I find it interesting how many times I hear the loneliness described as “crushing” (including from my own lips). I have found incredible comfort in attending meetings of our local Quaker group–if you have never been to such a “meeting” (they don’t call it a service) and there is a group in your area, you may want to give them a try. Basically the group sits in silence for about an hour. Occasionally someone will speak about something on their mind but there is no dialogue or debate and such SHORT comments are always followed by more silence. I have found going there and just being in a place where I need to be still and know that God is out there comforting. No, it has not lessened anything about this truly awful experience but it has more than once gotten me through the rest of the day! Take care of yourself (this from someone who frequently forgets to eat!) and I do find it helps to talk (out loud and about the most mundane things) to my husband–of course, I try to do this only when I am by myself lest well-meaning friends decide to “help” me by having me committed!! Take care and I hope you will stay in touch. Anna

      PS: I’m way too new at this myself to be handing out advice but I figure I can share what’s working for me and maybe it will help!!!

  2. My husband died 20 days after yours, on May 29, 2012, after 3 years of failing health. So we are walking down this lonely path together. You express so well the feelings, the grief, the confusion, and the loneliness. And the awful firsts…one of my worst firsts was when I had to check the box that says “widow” on a form. I, too, wonder what my life will become in the next months or years. It is hard to find your direction when you have lost your North Star.

    1. Mary Lou, Thank you for writing to share YOUR journey. I was speaking with a friend today who has been facing a health issue of her own for several months now and she had not mentioned this to even her closest friends. Some of them were upset with her but I knew (and would bet you agree) that the person she needed and wanted most to share her anxiety and fear with was her husband who died a few years ago. My hope is that you have a strong network of friends and family surrounding you in these difficult days–it’s not the same (not by a long shot) but it’s something. Take care and stay in touch!!! Anna

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