…others who are past that landmark tell me year two is worse. [Sigh.] Already three months feels like thirty years. How will I manage six months? Six years? I promised myself that I would not stalk anniversaries (1/4; 1/2; etc.) but hard to avoid when friends remind me. Oh, it’s all in the best sense of caring and concern but still it brings on some heavy-duty and often crushing loneliness. I have to wonder how people not as blessed as I am to be surrounded by a network of friends that goes back decades get through a single day much less weeks and months and years. My heart goes out to them.
Activities that keep me moving forward (and give me reason to get up in the mornings)…deadlines for my writing. I do find solace in the work, not to mention some escape. Moving furniture and rearranging my surroundings–yesterday I spent four hours switching the living room furniture with the furniture in the family room–has always been a way that I get through tough times. L used to tease me that he would never dare come home in the dark because he never knew if the sofa would be where the kitchen table used to be or vice versa. Watching the shows we enjoyed together–last night I settled in for the finale of THE CLOSER–L absolutely LOVED Brenda Leigh! I hope he was watching!! Amazingly the one thing I don’t do is eat. I used to salve any wound with food–especially sugary foods: ice cream, chocolate anything. Now, not so much. I guess that’s a good thing–on the other hand I just cleaned the fridge today and now there is hardly anything in there.
The hardest part of this journey is not having L to talk to–about serious or silly things, about things that would drive him nuts, about things that made him smile, about things that I really do not want to talk to anyone else about–no matter how dear a friend they might be. I guess in some ways I put that backwards because I do talk to him–aloud–all the time. The problem is he doesn’t answer. He was always a quiet man, a man of few words, but how I long to just hear his laugh, see him nod his head, see his frown of disapproval–I would take anything!!!
Okay beginning to whine and wallow so outside the window where I have moved my desk I see a spray of roses just asking to be cut and brought inside for my desk so thanks for stopping by and please check back later.