Being in the house is strange and yet far more comforting than I would have thought. L’s presence is still very much here and I can practically hear/see/feel him raising an eyebrow when I opt to open windows rather than turn on the air conditioner. I talk out loud to him as I move through the rooms, reporting in on what new task I’ve taken care of and crossed off the list of things he left. I have not yet called for the insulation to be added upstairs–something he was so adamant about being necessary that he wanted them to come while he was here–like breathing that dust would be okay but my opening the patio door on a nice day was not possible. I did talk him out of having the work done by promising that I would have it done after he died.
The cards and notes and donations continue–although they have slowed to enough of a trickle that I am actually feeling that I can keep up with the thank you notes.Friends and family continue to call daily and check in. We went forward with a dinner party on Wed. night that had been planned before L died. I thought it might feel odd but not so. It was a lovely evening of good food and laughter and conversation among old friends.
His fishing buddies took some ashes to the pond last night and then called afterwards to tell me all about it–they scattered them at the spot where L thought the fishing was best. Two other friends will scatter some ashes on the bike trail as well. Then I plan to go to Madison at some point and leave some ashes along the lake path.
I have not cried much at all and I usually cry at commercials so that I find surprising. Today I got in the car and punched the CD player knowing the Mandy Patinkin disc was in there and sure enough the Cole Porter song that J did at the memorial came up. It’s called “Experiment” and is a song about trying new things in life. I will say that I teared up for a moment–but no real tears. The truth is that it does not seem possible that he’s gone–not that I am delusional and waiting for an “appearance” but I seem to simply make my way through the hours–most days so far without a lot of discernible emotions–just going about routine things and somehow the day passes. In some ways it’s stunning that it’s already been two weeks and in other ways each day has felt like a month.