Today I went back to the studio I use for my writing and surprised myself by actually accomplishing some decent work on a new novel I’m finishing. I probably shouldn’t be that surprised since all through L’s illness I found refuge in work. I guess I thought it would be harder to get back to it. I guess I thought it should be harder–that it shouldn’t be so easy to lose myself that that world of characters and their lives. But as a wise friend who has been through this has warned me: There are no should’s — no rules at all. Another first today was my first session with the physiologist I’ve been seeing throughout this journey. He gave me the comfort of helping me to understand how L’s final deterioration could have come so quickly and helped me to see that I had kept my promise to keep him at home and be at his side when the end came. It’s small comfort in the greater scheme of things–but it is comforting.