5/7/12: Is this what it will look like?

When I left this morning for a dental check-up all was what passes for normal these days. L was at b’fast, reading his paper, phone nearby for the first calls of the day. I kissed his forehead and we wished each other a good day. After the appt. I went to work at my studio and then grocery shopping. I came home and L was in his recliner with the TV on and tuned to the businbess channel he often watches in the day. He was dosing–not usual but also not unusual. I left him alone as the oxygen  delivery arrived and there were friend who regularly call in the afternoon. But every time I checked on him he was still dosing. Suppertime came and went and he didn;t want anything. He did not want me to call hospice but finally agreed. I walk a fine line between making sure that things are the way he wants them to be and need to make sure that I am doing what I can. Finally he agreed that I could call hospice. Two nurses came out–checked his vitals and gave hinm morphine and a gel for nausea/pain. His BP was high but his lungs were clear. They offered in-patient hospice as an option. I am holding it in reserve for the moment. My idea was to call friends to come over to help me get him to/from portable toilet and then I remembered a letter we got from a neighbor who does CNA work. I thought perhaps I could call her and have her come but he says he doesn’t want that. We haven’t yet discussed the idea of one or two of the friends coming.  What’s the right thing to do???? I feel as if he’s taken this sharp turn and is slipping away from me. I want to sit by him and hold him–or at least hold hius hand but he doesn’t want that. So hard–so scary. So very very terrifying.

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