3/28/12: Waiting…

I find that I spend a great deal of my time in mindless activity. I have become addicted to online word and puzzle games–the ones I can play on my own for free. On any given day I seem to accomplish very little and the hours go by. Our life seems strangely normal–I go off to my studio–supposedly to work but more often than not I spend at least half the time playing Solitaire on the computer. Every day I am at the grocery store seemingly incapable of planning ahead for any meal. I meet friends for coffee a couple of days a week and a couple more hours go by. After supper L and I settle in to watch television ending with the Daily Show at ten at which time I go off to bed to read and he watches a bit of the Colbert Report and does some stretching exercises before settling in for the night with his breathing machine on the couch in the family room. The next day we get up and start again. When I try to consider why I seem incapable of accomplishing the basics it occurs to me that I begin and end each day in a state of waiting–will there be a change tomorrow? Where will things be a month from now? Three months from now? A year from now? And the most troubling question of all: if I can’t manage to get normal tasks done with any degree of organization now, how will I be after L is gone and I am alone?

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