Most days are good.
L is still here–frail of body but healthy in mind and spirit–and that makes life easier.
Still as a person never good at living in the moment I will admit that there are days when I struggle against the bonds that currently hold my future prisoner. And the result of that is that I battle guilt and anger at myself and my selfish need to whine about “my life” when what L is facing is “no life.” The domino that falls after that is my lack of patience with anyone who isn’t dealing with a situation that I see as horrid as mine and L’s is bemoaning his or her lot in life. And the domino after that is my ingrained reaction to shut myself away from others–to crawl into my shell and feed on my own self-pity.
For several days now I have been very close to that need to shut myself away. But then today I went out to pick up some branches that had fallen over the winter and I saw the buds of spring’s flowers just beginning to risk breaking through the soil and I understood that in time I too will find my way–and now I can go on.