January 15…Sunday…Welcome to Normal

While life in our world is surreal at best, today was a fairly normal day.

We’re in Wisconsin and it’s January and there’s snow on the ground and crisp cold sunny blue skies above. It’s play-off time in the NFL so football was definitely on the agenda for the day. His sister came to watch the game and have supper with us. We laughed together and bemoaned the loss by our team. Later we read the paper and watched the Golden Globes–all so very normal. And yet…

Is it odd that these days when L tells me he’s going to take a shower  I linger nearby afraid he might fall?

Is it odd that we rarely go out to see friends or have dinner or go to a film or play but rather people come here and our lifelines to the outside world are those visits, phone calls and our television?

Is it odd that four times a day I prepare his breathing treatment and several times a day I straighten out the kinks in his oxygen tubing?

Is it odd that I never leave the house without having  his DNR papers close at hand in case something happens while I’m gone and I need them when I rush back or to the ER?

Is it odd that for the last several months L has slept in his recliner to help his breathing while I lie in the bed we have shared for over forty years and listen to the steady murmur of his oxygen machine?

Is it odd that every night I fall asleep thinking how horrible it will be when that machine is silenced?

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3 thoughts on “January 15…Sunday…Welcome to Normal

  1. I know at the time that I’m reading this your husband is now in heaven and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you’ve written this blog and plan to read every word as I can. I completely relate and understand. In 2006 our doc told us that unless something changed for the better that my hubby probably would only be on earth another 5 to 10 years. As you and your husband realized God knows the timeframe and has the ultimate say. The irony to this whole situation is that unexpectedely in 2008 I became permanetly and totally disabled as well due to respiratory complications. It’s been a long up hill climb for us both. At this point it’s hard to tell who will outlive whom, not that that is what matters.

    I digress. My hubby is on a cpap machine for his breathing and often if I wake in the night I listen to make sure the machine is operating thus he is still breathing and alive. I know one day this may not be the case. Makes sleep difficult and I know you can relate to this as well. Please know you’re in my daily prayers and again thank you so much for writing this blog and sharing these difficult times in your life.

    1. Susan, my heart goes out to you as I well remember nights listening for that cpap machine!!! I am also so sorry to hear of your health challenges on top of what you and your husband were already facing. Know that you are in my prayers (and I do a fair amount of praying these days!) and I hope that whatever the future holds you will find the strength you need to see it through to better times. All best to you and Gary, Anna

      1. Thank you Anna. I’m looking forward to reading the remainder of your blog and also the current entries. God bless you.

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