I’ve been a little busy…

The question I am asking myself these days is: Am I moving into a manic stage of this journey or is this just the way I need to handle moving forward with life on my own?

Here’s what the last month has brought my way–I had a book deadline on the first of October. A few days before that I was walking with a friend along the shores of Lake Michigan. I mentioned that when I returned from Florida in the spring I was considering selling the home L and I shared for the last four years of his life and renting a smaller apartment closer to downtown. L and I always talked of living downtown closer to plays and ballgames and friends but because of his lung disease it was no more than a pipedream. My friend–who has lived downtown for some time now–urged me to put my name on the waiting list for an apartment in her building.  “Even if you decide not to take it at least you’ll have the opportunity to make that decision.” It sounded like a reasonable first step.

Long story cutting to the chase: there was no waiting list; there was a sweet little apartment perfect for one person and facing Lake Michigan and the sunrise. I protested that there was no way I could finish my book, put my house on the market, pack up and move to the apartment and pack up for my stay in Florida in the time available. But then I did not sleep for two days unable to get the apartment out of my mind and by the weekend I had signed a lease, listed the house and begun the incredible adventure called “downsizing” in a serious way! And yes, I met the deadline for the book.

I have been here now for about a month–actually moved in and began staying here as “home” a week ago and the truth is that it feels right. I even think L gave it his stamp of approval for when the movers were bringing in the furnishings a gift edition of GONE WITH THE WIND that I have no idea how I could have overlooked in packing up the rest of the DVDs, CDs and such stored in that credenza fell out. L had given me that our first Christmas after we were married knowing it was not only one of my favorite films but also would remind me of the time I took him to see it (his first time–my fifth) at a theater in Chicago and when the intermission came with Scarlett raising her fists to the heavens vowing never to be hungry again, L thought that was the end of the picture. How we laughed about that over the years!

And so while life does feel a bit chaotic these days the one thing I know for sure is that I am living the life that L wanted so much for me to live–to not sit around, but to travel and do things that we could not do together because of his health. The truth is that when I make a move like this–or even something much smaller in scope–I feel that I am honoring not only his memory but the love he had for me. No, not everyone is as blessed as I am to have choices such as those I have made BUT everyone who has experienced the death of a loved one does have a choice about how best to honor that person’s life…and the love shared during that life. Take care. Anna

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4 thoughts on “I’ve been a little busy…

  1. I know the manic highs but I also know the dark lows. I call them the unsuspecting waves. I’m widowed 15 months. My feet feel welded to the base. This thing called grieving is nothing like anything I have ever gone through. I blog and read blogs to find crumbs I might follow.

    1. “Unsuspecting waves” is an apt description and especially as time passes, those waves become more surprising and unsettling than before. Thank you for writing. The gift of this blog is that I receive as much support and understanding as I try to offer. Take care. Anna

  2. My husband/best friend/artistic collaborator died June 3 after 44 years of marriage. Six months gone. Today would have been our 45th anniversary. So glad I found your blog today. I’m one year behind you, trying to figure out who i am now. So many experiences so much the same. Just what I needed to read on this day.

    1. Joan, my heart is with you and how well I relate to that figuring out who you are when half of you is missing!! I was thinking this morning that one of the things that gives me pause is the fact that no one will ever know me the way he did. Take care of yourself and find some measure of comfort in what I suspect would be his wish for you–that you move forward and that you discover new adventures that you can share with him in spirit. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing–not that I’m any kind of expert but there is comfort for me in knowing there are others who understand. All best, Anna

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