I’m actually getting a little better at this…

In the early days of my journey I was consumed with loneliness especially from around four in the afternoon until I went to bed. Those, of course, were prime times with L–times when we would share the events of our day, times when we would discuss our tomorrows, times when it was just us.  In the first year I realize now that I tried hard to fill in those empty hours by taking long walks, waiting/hoping for friends to call and offer some impromptu activity, watching hours and hours and hours of mindless television, and aimlessly pacing through the rooms we had shared. I had a lot of suppressed anger in those times–not specifically directed at any individual–especially not L who I knew would have done anything he could not to leave me–but at the unfairness of it all. For one thing he was a far better friend to our circle of friends than I could ever hope to be. I labeled myself “sloppy seconds” in the friendship department and was always touched and amazed by the countless gestures of love and outreach that came my way. I felt I didn’t deserve such kindness–and yes in my worst moments I suspected such gestures were little more than pity which of course I resented.

But lately…lately I have deliberately taken action to get out into situations that give me the opportunity to interact with new people–people who did not know me as part of a couple. And not to paraphrase Sally Field too often but I found out that “they liked me–they really liked ME.” And slow to get it as I am it finally dawned on me that the friends L and I have had for decades also “like me–really like ME.” These days I am more relaxed around people–those I have just met and those I have known for more than half my life. These days I struggle fewer evenings being alone–I have learned that the more I believe that L is with me, the more I feel his presence and his encouragement and his love. Oh, do not think I have even come close to licking this grief thing–but I can see progress–I am getting better at this.

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4 thoughts on “I’m actually getting a little better at this…

  1. I just read your blog for the first time. I googled widowhood in the 2nd year because it was a year ago 9/23 that my husband of 30 years died. I thought I was doing well overall. Today for the first and only day since then I have been overwhelmed and can’t stop crying. From what I understand Year 2 is difficult. I hope I will be able to find a way to get it together. I really want to…I promised him I would keep going on! I see it can be done. Thanks for candidly sharing your story!

    1. Ann-Marie, Forgive the tardy response…as you will see in my latest entry life got complicated! I completely understand how hard that promise to keep moving forward can be. But as I said in the recent post I am convinced that this is the best possible way to honor him and the love we shared. Take care of yourself. Anna

  2. Such a positive post. Your hubby would be so proud of your progress. L. knew you were remarkable. Looks like he was onto something!

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